Stephanie Toussaint
Shana Creaney
FIQWS 10113: Narrative Medicine

16 September 2021

Looking at this prompt, so many situations and incidents came to mind. As an African American female, I have felt out of place multiple times; from being one of a handful of black girls on a club swim team, to being one of a few females at my EMT company, to outrightly being denied the opportunity to join the Marines because my body weight did not fit the “standard” body criteria required of females. Though there was a flood of ideas to write about, I did not consider them special or worthy of this assignment. I believed the aforementioned incidents and the other experiences were simply regular, everyday incidents and events that most black females’ experience. I wanted to write about situations or incidents where people were shocked to learn of my drive and ambition, my goals in life, and my confidence in self. I am not a victim and refuse to see myself as a victim. I am in the vanguard, forging a destiny based on the sacrifices of many – past and present – and refuse to play any race card, particularly since I am a strong, young woman; not simply a young, black woman. So, I refuse to write about any “black” related incidents, which will only serve to offer unearned relevance to the ignorant, immature and scared perpetrators. After a bit of brainstorming, I identified one incident which really struck a chord, and during which I felt that lonely feeling of not belonging; of being left out and all alone.

Many times, during my youth, I was told to “Slow down”, “Enjoy the moment”, “Don’t rush to grow up”, “Your sister is seven years older, so no, you cannot do what she is doing”. I have always been told that I was young, but I’ve always felt that I could think like an old person, and I could always visualize my older self. I heard the advice to not rush to grow up and get jaded quickly, but I did not wholeheartedly listen to it. As I’m writing this, I still cannot believe that I’m really in college and supposedly an “adult”. The realization that my young, fun filled childhood was over, came this summer. This summer, at the age of seventeen, I decided to become an EMT. I dedicated a lot of hours and effort into the training process. But I firmly believed my sacrifices and commitment would be worth it in the long run, as I would be better prepared to care for my fellow New Yorkers. While I was training and studying to become an EMT, I was also working full time as a lifeguard. This caused a lot of disruption to both my social and my work life as both could not receive the undivided attention. I am somewhat of a social butterfly who loves to work hard and play harder. Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, half of my junior and all my senior years of high school were virtual. It was a bit difficult to adjust to the new way of life, as I thoroughly enjoy interacting with my teachers, friends and classmates. Because of school being virtual I found it hard to maintain and keep up with all my friendships and relationships. Still, I tried my best to keep in touch as it gave me a semblance of normalcy, albeit virtually. But this summer, given my full- time lifeguarding job, and my studying to become an EMT, I could not, due to time constraints, maintain the same level of friendships that I always did in the past.

I was a part of a trio; three friends who had a really strong bond for over a decade. The three of us have shared so many experiences over the past ten years – from learning to swim together, to running track, to attending the same dance school, to having sleepovers at one another’s houses. Although all three of us did not attend the same middle school, our extracurricular activities allowed us to remain close. In high school however, we all attended the same school, and our dynamic little circle was again complete. The three of us took classes together and even had lunch together for the first two years of high school. Ours was a strong relationship, or so we all thought, right. Our relationship did start to take a toll during senior year when I was working, planning for college and still attending school virtually. I hold myself responsible for the slight breakdown in our friendship, as I could have made a greater effort or even explained my educational pursuits so that they would be more understanding of my absence from our normal, shared activities. During the summer, it was my childhood friend’s birthday, so of course I was excited for her, because she was turning the grand old age of 18. I texted to wish her happy returns; and even posted her on Snapchat. I thought everything was swell until I saw her post pictures of herself, together with the other member of our trio, as well as with other friends out to a celebratory dinner for her birthday. I kept telling myself that I was not really bothered because it was her decision to invite attendees to her celebration; but still, I felt extremely sad. Adulting made me feel left out. Actively pursuing my dream to get my EMT certification before I turned 18, made my absences from normal childhood activities impacted how my childhood friends related to me. I sincerely believed our lifelong relationship was strong and secure; but it was evident that my occasional lack of involvement in my friends’ day to day activities was having a detrimental impact on how my friends perceived our friendship. It was clear that my friends believed that I was not doing things that friends do together. It was clear to me however, that my friends preferred me to not pursue my dreams, in favor of hanging out with them. It was harsh to not feel supported by childhood friends and to witness the shattering to smithereens of my belief that true friends should want the best for you, would want you to succeed, and would be understanding of your absences as you pursue your dreams. Even though I could easily attribute my lack of party invite to our preparation for going away to different colleges, I knew this was not the truth, or even the half- truth.

The lesson I learned from not being invited to my lifelong childhood friend’s eighteenth birthday celebration was that I need to take time from life’s activities to maintain what is important

to myself and my friends. However, my pursuit of making myself a better person should not be derailed by friends who are not willing to understand my journey and be with me on my journey. Already at this young age, I have had to make sacrifices in pursuit of my desire to become a medical practitioner who makes people healthier. While trying to achieve my future self, because of time constraints, there are many recreational activities that I could not engage in with friends and friendships that I lost. Sometimes feeling that I am not living in the present as I pursue the future me, makes me feel that I am leaving my childhood behind too quickly. I feel that I am growing up too fast and that is causing me to be left out from the lives of people I love. I believe that not being invited to my beloved friend’s birthday party taught me an invaluable lesson. My path to becoming a medical practitioner and a doctor is only going to become more time consuming and demanding. But I am now committed to the need to maintain a healthy balance among my work, school and social life. This balance is essential for me to feel that my achievements are worthwhile; and serve as further motivation for me to pursue my future successful self. I am committed to not being consumed with work or school and know that friends who really care about me will be understanding of my occasional absence from their daily lives. My primary goal is to become a doctor, but I cannot help but wonder if I will have to make significant sacrifices in my pursuit of what I am hopeful will be a very happy and productive life.